What's Your Focus?

"There is reason for everyone to be unhappy. 

There is reason for everyone to be happy. 

What's your focus?"

Today, I read these words on Kelle Hampton's blog and almost through up my arms with an "Amen sister!". Perhaps I would have done just that if I had not been sitting in a classroom of thirty other college students who are quietly paying attention and taking notes on the Securities and Exchange Act of 1934.

Perhaps its the photographer in me but the idea of focus provides such a perfect analogy here: a shallow depth of field and the correct focus is all you need to blur an ugly background and make your subject pop in an image, and our happiness is selective in the same way.

The idea that we all control our own happiness has been a thought pressing on my mind for the past few weeks. If you didn't know, after a persistent shaking in the right side of my body, a Sunday morning fainting episode in my boyfriend's kitchen and a trip to the Emergency Room, my family doctor determined that I was suffering from generalized anxiety.

This post isn't about the anxiety in and of itself. Someday I'll sit down and write about the reasons why I hate Zoloft, the intimidation I feel at the thought of starting therapy and the goals I've made myself to overcome this but right now? I'm not ready to do that. You see, I didn't take that "diagnosis" well.

And that's why at the beginning of this week, I decided I needed to change my focus.


It only took a slightly irritating hint from my boyfriend, "you're making yourself more problems so that you have something to fix." Thankfully, he tucked it into a supportive and loving text - he's good, I'm telling you. At first, I was angry. Bitterly angry. I quickly and effectively typed a rude text back to him, telling him that he couldn't possibly understand, that he wasn't the one dealing with countless doctors, a full schedule and a job he didn't love.

And then I realized that perhaps he was right. Perhaps, I had my focus on the wrong things.

With my sweet tooth, it's should come as no surprise that when I first took this photograph,
 my focus was on a case of baked goods in the background.

I've done everything right as far as my health goes in the past few years. I go to the gym at least every other day. I do yoga. I don't eat wheat. I eat mostly organic foods. I avoid red meat, MSG, High Fructose Corn Syrup and Trans Fat. I only eat whole grains. I eat vegetables or fruit with every meal. I take a vitamin every day. And yet, I'm still sick. Not horribly sick, just sick to the point of being annoyed or exhausted constantly. And I've had to except that there's nothing I can do about it - But, I can control the way that it affects me.

For months, I've been angry. I've called my mom crying probably once a week, demanding why doctors couldn't figure anything out. I snapped at my boyfriend regularly, demanding to know why I was twenty and sitting in a cardiology office. And for a while, I was perfectly content to live with that attitude.

But after starting a new semester of classes, I felt overwhelmed by those emotions. I felt like I couldn't handle school, that I had no friends, that I couldn't possibly work a full schedule this spring. Then, I had a panic attack and had to drop a class because I was so embarrassed. And that's when I first realized that my focus had to change.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that you are the only one who controls your happiness. Yes, other things may affect it. If you're like me, it could be your health, your schedule, the people in your life. But in the end, you're the one who decides wether to keep these things in your life or not and if you do, how to react to them. The sooner you accept that responsibility, the happier your life will be.

Today may only be day four of my new focus but for each of those four days, I've woken up with the attitude that it was going to be a good day. I went to bed believing that the next day, I wasn't going to be sick, I wasn't going to be tired. And I'm not going to lie to you, I've still been sick and I've been tired but the belief that the next day would be better was enough to improve how I felt, dramatically. 

I can't say that I've been entirely positive this week, I'm still learning. I can't say that I haven't complained at all. But I've at least given up my end of the day "ugh, today was awful" texts to my boyfriend.  In fact, even after shattering the glass front to my iphone and ending up crying at work last night, I simply told Trevor that I was trying to stay positive, my day wasn't bad, it was just a test. And that is truly what it was, a test of my focus, a test I'm determined to keep passing.

I guess the point of this discussion is to challenge you to shift your focus, too.
You never know what you'll see when you do.

P.S. I am also sharing the photo featured in this blog with this week's You Capture challenge, Still Life, over at "I Should Be Folding Laundry." If you've never heard of Beth's "You Capture" feature, check it out & feel free to join in on the fun!

Half of My Heart has a Grip on the Situation

I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I've always been one to give my whole heart away.
I've always been one to put my heart into things fully.
I've never been too careful about it.

Lately, I've realized that I should be.
Not everything deserves your heart - sometimes not even a piece of it.

I guess this is where I insert the disclaimer that this is going to be a post of many thoughts, feelings, photographs and well, rambling, too.

I never knew that putting my whole heart into something, a "hobby", could be so exhausting. Photography has really taken over a lot of my time - between DAT, my own projects, editing, learning and shooting for fun, I need to sleep for days. In the past week, I've shot and edited two sessions and I have two more in the next seven days.

It's been the only thing getting me through the past few crazy and, I won't lie, hard weeks. And Adele, thank God for Adele. It's a lot easier to put my life in focus from behind a lens. I see things more clearly that way. I stop and take time to concentrate, to plan, to adjust the little details.

It's also taught me a lot about people. It may sound silly but there's a connection that occurs when you're behind a lens. Someone is in front of you, being vulnerable enough to capture on film. I love capturing the people I love most, I love those moments where I feel that I can see through them, to understand them, even if it is only for a second. At times, I pass strangers in the grocery store, on the street, and I think about taking their portrait - what would it say about them? You know, a picture is worth a thousand words.. or something like that.

I've loved having the opportunity to capture couples. Alex and Brittany were total strangers who asked me to photograph them - and more importantly, their relationship. I love watching the side glances, those little looks, the lit up eyes, the smiles, the kisses, the way hands are held. There's hope.

Photography has empowered me - it has made me braver, more confident, more assertive. I no longer shy at the thought of posing people. I don't worry if I've got enough frames. I've photographed close friends, friends of friends, total strangers. I've learned to take control of the situations in front of me, to manipulate a scene for the best. I'm working on spreading that lesson to the rest of my life. Lately, I've realized that happiness is a choice, sometimes it takes work (and assertiveness) but ultimately, you are the only one who can make the decision wether to be happy or not to be.

I've learned a lot lately, maybe too much. I've learned that I'm blessed - I've learned that I've got friends to lean on (wether they're a few miles or a few hours away), I've got the best jobs in the world, I can be on my own, I've got everything I need. I've also learned how cruel people can be, how hurtful disrespect is, how easy others find it to lie. It's all about finding the perfect mixture of the two. 

"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

Being an open book is exhausting.
Goodnight, xo.

P.S. If you'd like to see more from these shoots - you can view slideshows here & here.