Happy Birthday, Momma!

Today, my mom (the one in the top hat) celebrated the 20th anniversary of her 21st birthday! I had all intentions of writing a sentimental, long, beautiful post about it but my body has other intentions this evening. I did a ninety minute heated power yoga class this morning without drinking nearly enough water. And I did it on the morning after Super Bowl Sunday - a day filled with gigantic "super bowl sandwiches", potato salad, Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry (which yes, has caffeine) and vanilla milkshakes. Somehow, I managed to give myself a case of dehydration and a body which aches from head to toe. So you'll have to excuse me for not writing long. I've got one quick homework assignment to finalize and then I plan to sleep off this yoga hangover. I do have more to say about my mom and her birthday later but for now, you can know that we celebrated with dinner at Texas Roadhouse on Friday and lunch at Pizza Grille today - what can we say? We like food. And gluten-free cheesecake for dessert? That's not half bad either.

Happy Birthday Momma, I love you!

What's Your Focus?

"There is reason for everyone to be unhappy. 

There is reason for everyone to be happy. 

What's your focus?"

Today, I read these words on Kelle Hampton's blog and almost through up my arms with an "Amen sister!". Perhaps I would have done just that if I had not been sitting in a classroom of thirty other college students who are quietly paying attention and taking notes on the Securities and Exchange Act of 1934.

Perhaps its the photographer in me but the idea of focus provides such a perfect analogy here: a shallow depth of field and the correct focus is all you need to blur an ugly background and make your subject pop in an image, and our happiness is selective in the same way.

The idea that we all control our own happiness has been a thought pressing on my mind for the past few weeks. If you didn't know, after a persistent shaking in the right side of my body, a Sunday morning fainting episode in my boyfriend's kitchen and a trip to the Emergency Room, my family doctor determined that I was suffering from generalized anxiety.

This post isn't about the anxiety in and of itself. Someday I'll sit down and write about the reasons why I hate Zoloft, the intimidation I feel at the thought of starting therapy and the goals I've made myself to overcome this but right now? I'm not ready to do that. You see, I didn't take that "diagnosis" well.

And that's why at the beginning of this week, I decided I needed to change my focus.


It only took a slightly irritating hint from my boyfriend, "you're making yourself more problems so that you have something to fix." Thankfully, he tucked it into a supportive and loving text - he's good, I'm telling you. At first, I was angry. Bitterly angry. I quickly and effectively typed a rude text back to him, telling him that he couldn't possibly understand, that he wasn't the one dealing with countless doctors, a full schedule and a job he didn't love.

And then I realized that perhaps he was right. Perhaps, I had my focus on the wrong things.

With my sweet tooth, it's should come as no surprise that when I first took this photograph,
 my focus was on a case of baked goods in the background.

I've done everything right as far as my health goes in the past few years. I go to the gym at least every other day. I do yoga. I don't eat wheat. I eat mostly organic foods. I avoid red meat, MSG, High Fructose Corn Syrup and Trans Fat. I only eat whole grains. I eat vegetables or fruit with every meal. I take a vitamin every day. And yet, I'm still sick. Not horribly sick, just sick to the point of being annoyed or exhausted constantly. And I've had to except that there's nothing I can do about it - But, I can control the way that it affects me.

For months, I've been angry. I've called my mom crying probably once a week, demanding why doctors couldn't figure anything out. I snapped at my boyfriend regularly, demanding to know why I was twenty and sitting in a cardiology office. And for a while, I was perfectly content to live with that attitude.

But after starting a new semester of classes, I felt overwhelmed by those emotions. I felt like I couldn't handle school, that I had no friends, that I couldn't possibly work a full schedule this spring. Then, I had a panic attack and had to drop a class because I was so embarrassed. And that's when I first realized that my focus had to change.

Ultimately, what it comes down to is that you are the only one who controls your happiness. Yes, other things may affect it. If you're like me, it could be your health, your schedule, the people in your life. But in the end, you're the one who decides wether to keep these things in your life or not and if you do, how to react to them. The sooner you accept that responsibility, the happier your life will be.

Today may only be day four of my new focus but for each of those four days, I've woken up with the attitude that it was going to be a good day. I went to bed believing that the next day, I wasn't going to be sick, I wasn't going to be tired. And I'm not going to lie to you, I've still been sick and I've been tired but the belief that the next day would be better was enough to improve how I felt, dramatically. 

I can't say that I've been entirely positive this week, I'm still learning. I can't say that I haven't complained at all. But I've at least given up my end of the day "ugh, today was awful" texts to my boyfriend.  In fact, even after shattering the glass front to my iphone and ending up crying at work last night, I simply told Trevor that I was trying to stay positive, my day wasn't bad, it was just a test. And that is truly what it was, a test of my focus, a test I'm determined to keep passing.

I guess the point of this discussion is to challenge you to shift your focus, too.
You never know what you'll see when you do.

P.S. I am also sharing the photo featured in this blog with this week's You Capture challenge, Still Life, over at "I Should Be Folding Laundry." If you've never heard of Beth's "You Capture" feature, check it out & feel free to join in on the fun!

Ten on Tuesday: Daily Reads

Quote by Jessica Hische; Illustration by Chris Piascik 

As a college student, procrastination (and distraction) is a problem that I face from time to time. (Though I must say, having a full work, school and social schedule has taught me to be better than most.. Time management is likely one of my greatest strengths). For most of my friends, Facebook is the procrastination outlet of choice. While I don't seem to mind Twitter, Facebook makes me cringe. I've managed to deactivate and reactivate my personal Facebook at least six times in the past twelve months at the dismay of friends and family. (Sorry guys!) With multiple group projects this semester though, it seems as though unfortuantely Facebook is going nowhere for now.

My first line of work when procrastinating usually includes photography. I am constantly editing photos, organizing marketing efforts, posting prints to Etsy, redesigning my website, and updating photo galleries. Perhaps what college has taught me more than anything else is that photography is the only thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. But, for the sake of my mother's sanity, I suppose I will finish getting a college degree. You know, just in case. 

I'm also known for resorting to culinary distractions when I have real work that needs done - or more often, exams that I need to study for. Unfortunately, I seem to choose sweets like brownies, cupcakes and cookies over making flashcards and that leads to more hours spent at the gym and consequently, even less time studying. As you can see, the cycle is viscous and I simply thank God for my high metabolism and an apartment only six minutes from the gym.

Perhaps my favorite form of procrastination is blogging, though. As you all know by now, I am constantly changing the look of "Live Beautifully". The widgets on the sidebar tend to cycle themselves in and out every few days.  I spend class time scratching "blog post ideas" onto a post-it note list. But even more than I enjoy working on my own blog, I love reading other blogs. I'm constantly finding inspiration for my photography, outfit choices, my own blog, my culinary adventures and for DIY projects, too. I hope to soon add a page of daily reads (read as "my favorite blogs") to my blog permanently but in the mean time, I thought I'd share with you ten of my favorite blogs across various categories. Perhaps you'll find a new daily read to add to your own list!

Just Love.ly Things is a blog that I've been reading longer than most others on this list. I can tell you that the defining moment of love for me was when I read this post - a post about friends and how being a good friend or making new friends isn't always the easiest thing. Just Lovely Things is a blog written by Heather, a girl who's held many jobs like owning her own hair salon, her own photography company and now, her own accessories company. The part of Heather's blog that inspires me most is her honesty. Heather's made it a point to be very true and open with her blog and if you ask me, that's a rare trait to have (plus, the girl makes the cutest headbands I've ever seen. seriously.) With Valentines Day quickly approaching, be sure to check out her series with Dana of Wonder Forest - 14 days of love!

Desire of My Heart: the Blog of Jamie Delaine is my biggest source of drive when it comes to photography. I would tell you that "when I grow up, I want to be Jamie Delaine" but... she's my age! And manages an incredibly successful photography business. Her blog is full of thoughtful writing, wedding photography, fabulous destination photography and a lot of talk about reading and coffee shops. Plus, she doesn't eat gluten, either. Yesterday, Jamie posted a blog on her beginnings as a photographer. Her thoughtfulness constantly inspires me to go take photographs, to go read books, to practice photoshop, to keep trying. And we all know how important that push can be. To be honest with you, I don't think I could explain to you in this little paragraph how much I admire Jamie, her blog and her photography.

Enjoying the Small Things is the blog of blogs. Let's be honest here, who hasn't heard of Kelle Hampton and her beautiful children? If you haven't, you need to click. Now. This blog holds a soft spot in my heart because of my passion for children with Down Syndrome. If you're new to Kelle's blog, you might want to start here, with the birth story of her second daughter, Nella. I think that if I ever am a mom, I'd want to be a Kelle Hampton kind of mom. And let me tell you, her photography? It's worth a blog visit in itself.

A Beautiful Mess is the blog of Elsie Larson - a designer and boutique owner who lives in Springfield, Missouri. I'm obviously a big fan of anything from Missouri and I tried to talk my family into making an adventure of Springfield to visit Elsie's shop, Red Velvet, when we visited the Show Me state over the summer. Elsie's blog is full of fashion posts, DIY projects and today she began a series on photography! It's easily the blog I visit most often because it is constantly updated by Elsie, her adorable sister Emma and other contributors.

Sincerely, Kinsey is a new blog started by Kinsey Mihre, a contributor for A Beautiful Mess and another fabulous Missouri girl. I am enamored with her photography, she captures light in a way that makes me swoon. No, really. Her blog covers a million topics - it reminds me of my own in that aspect. If you like J Crew, thrifting, beautiful photography, and a good love story, you'll easily love "Sincerely, Kinsey" as much as I do. Besides, how great of a name is Kinsey, anyway?

MaieDae is a new blog on my list but it's quickly becoming one of my favorites. To better explain, MaieDae has three parts - a graphic design company, a shop of handmade items and my favorite part, the lifestyle blog of a 23 year old, Georgia resident, named Savannah. It'd be an understatement to say that I'm obsessed with the design of Savannah's blog. But the content of her posts? Equally fabulous. Some of my favorite features include her weekly wrap up and the various interviews she does with other bloggers and small-business owners.

Oh, Sweet Joy! is the light-hearted and fun lifestyle blog of Kim - a personal shopper for Anthropologie (so so so jealous!), seamstress, and blogger. I knew I'd love Kim's blog because she loves robins egg blue, Dr.Pepper and crafts of all sorts. If she lived in York rather than Colorado, we'd be friends, I just know it. As for her blog, it's full of sewing advice, recipes, DIY projects and fun interviews with other shop owners.

City Lights is a blog thats slowly fueling in me a love for the city of Chicago, and let's be honest, I've never even been to the Windy City. But I think if I were to visit, I'd already know the best places for cupcakes and coffee in the city. Ashley is an incredible writer, a lover of good books and she's quickly becoming an impressive photographer, too!

How About Orange? is the newest blog on my list but it was obviously meant to be. Rarely do I meet anyone who loves the color orange like I do. Jessica is a designer so obviously her blog is gorgeous but it also means great resources for those of you working on a small business, your own website or blog, or any other creative venture. I could waste hours reading through posts on How About Orange? - they're inspirational, well-written and fun. What else do you need?

Wonder Forest is a blog that I found through Just Lovely Things and the 14 days of love series! Lucky for you, Dana just wrote an "about me" post today! But before you check it out, you should be prepared for another blog full of inspiration and DIY. Can you tell I have a thing for crafty people?! I also love Dana for her honesty about her struggles with overcoming anxiety.

Hopefully you'll find a few new inspirational reads for your blog list. Each blog on this list has helped me to write, to photograph, to be creative. (And, it gives me something to read while not paying attention in class, waiting at the doctors office and when I can't sleep at night.) What are some of your favorite blogs I should know about?  

Purpose and Direction

It's one o'clock in the morning and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog post but all I know is that I've got to stay awake for at least fifty-three more minutes. At seven-thirty, I have a date on the sixth floor of the York hospital with some electrodes, strobe lights and uncomfortable breathing exercises. Apparently, to best prepare myself, I shouldn't sleep more than five hours, can't have any chocolate and perhaps I shouldn't be driving myself, either.

As you may have noticed, there's a new look around here. Though it wasn't long ago that I had switched colors, headers and "widgets", I found myself feeling antsy with how this little corner of the web was displaying itself. Perhaps I've simply caught my boyfriend's constant itch for redecorating, reorganizing and simplifying.. but lately, I've been really considering what I want from this blog. I've looked at where it's been (and how it's looked). I've considered where it is now. And more importantly, where I want it to be - in the near future and perhaps in the farther future, too.

Unfortunately, the constant connection to the internet, social networking and a never ending blogroll seems to set me up for constant disappointment with my own efforts, especially when it comes to blogging. I struggle to find things to write. My camera has been tucked away in a quiet corner of my room for days. I spend hours upon hours investigating other blogs, thinking of tutorials, looking through template designs and ultimately, I'm never satisfied. I find myself comparing this blog to those that I like to read daily - blogs about photography, fashion, graphic design, gluten-free cuisine, owning a small business. This blog? It's none of those things in it's entirety. Instead, it's a little bit of each. And I'm trying to learn that perhaps, that's okay. Perhaps, it's not. What I have realized though is that he constant act of comparing myself to others, well, that's not okay.. and it's most certainly not healthy.

Over the past year, this blog has included sneak peaks of photography sessions, funny anecdotes about life with a six year old, various allergy-friendly recipes, and information about my favorite charities. Essentially, what I'm really trying to say is that this blog has been all over the place. I suppose in my searching of other blogs, what I've been yearning for is a definition for my own - the ability to say "Oh yes, "Live Beautifully" is a blog about ___." But there doesn't seem to be just one answer for me. And I've realized that is simply what this blog must be about - not defining yourself to one thing. Yet, something still doesn't feel solid here.

"Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction."  - John F. Kennedy

Perhaps I haven't put every bit of effort I should into my writing for this blog but at the same time, I don't think that it is effort or courage that I've been lacking. Instead, I seem to be struggling to find purpose and direction - and not just when it comes to blog posts.

I was determined to begin 2012 without resolutions. I was content with 2011. I was content with who I was when midnight struck. But now, a month later, I'm questioning that contentment. Perhaps I didn't need to resolve to change myself but rather to focus my efforts in one direction. And yet, over the past thirty days, I've managed to scratch out a list of goals in my bedside journal - goals that range from "eating more dark leafy greens" to "learn how to sew (seriously this time)."

Without a purpose, I find myself reaching for straws so to speak. The past two years, I had THON, and it was easy. I could define myself through my dedication to that organization. I was a dancer. I was a chair. And that was how everyone knew me. I didn't struggle for blog material, my life was constantly busy with blood drives, hospital visits and CCSG weekends. Every email I sent was signed with a cute "FTK". As February approached, I thought of little other than THON weekend. Now as February approaches, I honestly can say that I feel a bit lost. As I start my second semester at a new school, I realize that no one there knows what THON is, no one cares that I even went to Penn State, and so perhaps I have to find a new definition for myself, too - not just my blog.

If you ask anyone close to me, they'll tell you that I don't handle change well. I never have. I'd say that I never will but perhaps, one day, I'll have figured it out. Though that statement may be true, a part of me is constantly looking for "blank slate" opportunities. I love the idea of starting over new. It's interesting to believe that in one short life time, each person can be so many different things. Perhaps our music tastes change, we dress differently, our hobbies evolve. Maybe a new slate means something as simple as the chance to cut off eleven inches of hair or to start wearing glasses you don't need.

I like to think that this new slate has a more important meaning for me though. This year isn't about silly things like staying organized at school, writing a more cohesive blog or even learning to sew. The only resolution I really need for 2012 is to find purpose and direction. And more importantly, to put both effort and courage into pursuing that new direction, whatever it may be.  (Perhaps I'll even figure out this blog and where it's going along the way.)

Letters To Sean: Half Way

I had to stop to write you a note between dinner, homework and getting ready for bed to tell you that the dreams I've been having, they've only gotten stranger. Last night, I dreamt that I joined the army. The army, Sean. I went to boot camp. I wore a uniform. Then they found out that I had asthma when I tried to climb an obstacle course wall. Of course they kicked me out and then I was in trouble for lying to the U.S. Army. I swear, I'd be less tired if I simply stayed awake rather than running boot camp drills in my sleep. It's all because Trevor made me watch some Vietnam Marine Corps movie last night - the only part I liked was the recruits running in cadence. Those rhymes are too funny. Trevor thinks I should sing them while I run at the gym, perhaps I'd breath better. He says thats the whole point - is it? Sometimes I don't know believe a thing he says, but don't tell him that. The one part reminded me of you though. A recruit was in trouble for sneaking a jelly doughnut in to his barracks. You better be more careful about drinking chocolate milk at the wrong times - Mom told me that you've already been on fire watch for two weeks.

I didn't get a letter from you today but went home to visit. I had to do laundry, of course, and couldn't manage to fold my fitted sheet. Mom suggested you can teach me when you come home after three months of laundry duty and making your bed. It's too funny to think of you making your bed. You're going to be so happy when you get to sleep on the recliner for seventeen days. Speaking of which, mom and I were talking about how we're going to have to shop for clothes to bring to graduation. What else will you wear for the weekend at the beach? I can't begin to imagine you twenty pounds heavier, with a bald head.

But it's not far, now. (I've even started looking for a dress to wear) We're past half way - only forty-four days until graduation. I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to more.. a weekend at the beach or seeing you. (Kidding, calm down... What I'm not looking forward to, though? An eight hour car ride with Dad. And Aiden. And Mom's radio choices.) Then again, I dreamt the other night that I wrestled you at graduation for not writing me more letters. You should probably consider it. Then again, I don't write you every day but, life is boring here. Your tales of tear gas and sand fleas definitely overpower mine of boring college classes and doctors appointments. Well, speaking of class, I suppose I should go teach myself statistics or at least manage to punch holes in my papers from my classes.

Love & miss you, always.